HOW TO WRITE FUNNY SHIT - EVEN IF YOUR HUMOR HAS BEEN LEGALLY PRONOUNCED DEAD

So, you wanna be funny.

Not “haha my uncle sent this Minion meme” funny.

Actually funny.

The kind of funny where someone reads your sentence, makes an ugly noise through their nose, screenshots it, and sends it to the group chat with:

“BRO THIS IS YOU 😭”

That kind.

Good news: funny writing is not magic.

Bad news: if your writing currently sounds like a LinkedIn post wearing deodorant, we have work to do.

Let’s fix it before someone says “great insight” and ruins your whole life.

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1. STOP BEING VAGUE. SAY THE DAMN THING.

Don’t write:

“I had a weird day.”

Nobody cares.

That sentence has the personality of wet cardboard.

Write:

“I accidentally waved at a stranger, realized it wasn’t my friend, panicked, pretended I was stretching, and now I think the grocery store knows my weakness.”

See?

Specific.

Painful.

Alive.

Funny lives in details. “Weird” is lazy. “I dropped my phone on my face at 1:12AM while watching raccoons steal cat food” is a story.

If your sentence could apply to anyone, it belongs to nobody.

Get specific or get out.

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2. USE COMPARISONS THAT SHOULD PROBABLY BE ILLEGAL

Normal people write:

“I was nervous.”

Boring.

SFF people write:

“I was sweating like a substitute teacher during a prison riot.”

That’s better.

A good comparison should feel slightly wrong, but not so wrong that your lawyer appears behind you holding a folder.

Compare things that don’t belong together.

Your haircut looks like a divorced Lego man.

Your car sounds like a microwave full of coins.

Your confidence disappeared faster than your dad at a school fundraiser.

Beautiful.

Stupid?

Yes.

Useful?

Surprisingly.

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3. MAKE THE READER SEE THE DISASTER

Funny writing is visual.

Don’t tell people something was embarrassing.

Show them the exact moment your dignity left your body like a ghost in a bad horror movie.

Instead of:

“I fell in public.”

Write:

“I slipped in front of six people, tried to save it with a little jog, made it worse, and somehow bowed at the end like I meant to do it.”

Now we’re there.

We see the tragedy.

We respect the damage.

Writing funny is basically crime scene reporting for your own bad decisions.

If the reader can picture it, they can laugh at it.

If they can’t picture it, they’ll just blink and move on like a dead-eyed office printer.

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4. SHORT SENTENCES HIT HARDER

Some jokes need space.

Some jokes need silence.

Some jokes need to stand alone like a suspicious man in a gas station parking lot at 2AM.

Example:

“I thought I handled it well.

I did not.”

That works.

Why?

Because the second sentence punches the first one in the face.

Don’t be afraid of short lines. They create rhythm. They create timing. They make the reader fall into the joke instead of being dragged through a paragraph like a body in a true crime documentary.

Use long sentence. Then short one.

That’s the move.

Simple.

Effective.

Annoyingly powerful.

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5. QUICK CUTS ARE COMEDY CHEAT CODES

Quick cuts are when you say one thing… then immediately expose the lie.

Example:

“I’m done texting him.”

Cut to: you typing “u up?” at 2:43AM with one eye open and zero self-respect.

That’s funny because humans are trash and we recognize ourselves.

Another one:

“I’m saving money this month.”

Cut to: you buying a remote-controlled truck to deliver chips across your living room because walking is apparently beneath you now.

Quick cuts work because they reveal the real truth hiding behind the fake adult version of us.

We all have two personalities:

The responsible one.

And the one clicking “Add to Cart” like a raccoon with Wi-Fi.

Guess which one wins.

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6. CALLBACKS MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER THAN YOU ARE

A callback is when you bring back an earlier joke later.

It makes the reader feel rewarded.

It makes your writing feel connected.

It makes you look like you had a plan, even if you were just typing like a caffeinated raccoon in a hoodie.

Example:

Early line:

“My confidence was built on lies and gas station coffee.”

Later line:

“And there I was again, running on lies, gas station coffee, and the emotional stability of a folding chair.”

Boom.

Callback.

The joke returns wearing a new hat.

Use callbacks when you can. They make your writing feel layered, even when the layers are mostly bad decisions and sentence crimes.

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7. DON’T TRY TO SOUND SMART. TRY TO SOUND ALIVE.

This is where people ruin everything.

They start writing funny and suddenly panic.

“What if people don’t think I’m intelligent?”

Shut up.

Nobody laughs because you used “juxtaposition” correctly.

They laugh because you wrote:

“My brain left the room and came back with snacks.”

Smart writing is fine.

Alive writing is better.

The internet is already full of people trying to sound important.

Don’t join them.

Write like a real person with a pulse, a problem, and questionable sleep habits.

That’s where the funny lives.

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8. SWEAR STRATEGICALLY, NOT LIKE A BROKEN 12-YEAR-OLD

Yes, “shit” is funny.

No, you don’t need to put it in every sentence like seasoning from a man who lost his taste buds.

Swearing works best when it lands at the right moment.

Bad:

“This shit was shit because shit happened and everything was shit.”

Congratulations. You sound like a bathroom wall.

Better:

“I opened the email, read the first sentence, and immediately knew my day had stepped in shit.”

See?

Cleaner.

Sharper.

More impact.

Use profanity like hot sauce.

Enough to make it better.

Not enough to require medical attention.

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9. MAKE FUN OF YOURSELF FIRST

People trust humor more when you’re not pretending to be above the joke.

Self-awareness is the secret weapon.

If you roast everything else but act like you’re perfect, you sound like a podcast guy with a ring light.

Nobody wants that.

Say:

“I thought I was being mysterious. Turns out I was just standing in the corner looking unemployed.”

That works because you’re included in the stupidity.

SFF humor is not “look how stupid everyone is.”

It’s:

“Everyone is stupid. We are also stupid. Welcome.”

That’s the correct energy.

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10. NEVER WRITE LIKE LINKEDIN IS WATCHING

This is the big one.

Never write like you’re trying to impress a guy named Brandon who says “circle back” unironically.

LinkedIn voice kills comedy.

It takes a funny idea and strangles it with words like:

“empower”
“leverage”
“synergy”
“valuable insight”
“thrilled to announce”

Disgusting.

If your sentence sounds like it belongs under a photo of someone shaking hands in front of a glass wall, delete it.

Then write the real version.

Not:

“We believe humor builds meaningful connections.”

Write:

“Sometimes sending your friend a stupid product at 1AM is the closest thing men have to emotional intimacy.”

There.

Much better.

Probably true.

Slightly worrying.

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FINAL THOUGHT

You don’t need to be a stand-up comedian to write funny.

You just need details, timing, honesty, and the courage to sound a little unhinged in public.

Be specific.

Be weird.

Say the thing everyone else is thinking but trying to make socially acceptable.

Don’t chase “clever.”

Chase the sentence that makes someone snort like an injured lawn chair.

And whatever you do…

do not be boring.

Boring is where funny goes to die wearing khakis.

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BONUS

If this blog made you want to write something funny, good.

Your brain is still working incorrectly, but in a useful direction.

Now go write a caption, roast your own life, or send someone a sentence so stupid they immediately question your mental health.

That’s not bad writing.

That’s content with emotional damage.

And if you need a weird product to match your weird little personality?

You know where to find us.